The Connecticut Elder Law Blog

Lawyer Joke!

Please enjoy your Friday lawyer joke...

Q:  What's the problem with lawyer jokes?

A:  Lawyers don't think they're funny and non-lawyers don't think they're jokes!

Lawyer Jokes!

What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?  Not enough cement.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?  A lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning and you could only same one of them...would you go to lunch or read the paper?

Lawyer Joke!

A man came across a striking brass rat in an antique store and decided it would look great on his desk.  He paid $100 for it but was surprised when the store owner told him it was non-returnable.  He said, "It's been returned twice already and I don't want to see it again."

Upon leaving the store, the man saw a couple of rats scurrying around the corner and several more were near his car.  As he drove, hundreds of rats appeared from the gutters and side streets until he was nearly overwhelmed.  In a panic, he threw the brass rat over the bridge railing into a river while the army of rats followed it into the depths.

The man hurried back to the store, but the owner cut him short saying, "Look, I told you there would be no returns." 

The man quickly replied, "Oh no, that's fine.  I was just wondering if you had a brass lawyer."

Lawyer Jokes!

What do you call a lawyer gone bad?  Senator.

How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a photo?  Just say "fees" instead of "cheese".

What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?  When you die a leech will stop sucking your blood and drop off.

"Itis interesting to note that criminals have multiplied of late, and lawyers have also.  But I repeat myself."  - Mark Twain

*  Please note that these jokes and others like them are usually directed at personal injury attorneys, certainly not elder law attorneys!

Lawyer Joke!

Someone mistakenly left the cages open in the "Reptile House" at the local zoo and the place quickly became overrun with slithering snakes.

Frantically, the keeper tried everything, but he couldn't get the snakes back into their cages.  Finally, he yelled, "Quick, call a lawyer!"

"A lawyer?  Why?"

"We need someone who speaks their language!"

Lawyer Jokes!

How can you tell a lawyer is lying?  His lips are moving.

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk were walking along when they simultaneously spotted a one hundred-dollar bill on the ground.  Which one gets it?  The old drunk, of course, since the other three don't exist.

News Flash! The Postal Service was recently forced to recall its new stamp issue.  Lawyers were part of the design and the public couldn't figure out which side of the stamp to spit on.

Lawyer Joke!

A man calls a lawyer and asks, "How much would you charge for just answering three simple questions?"

The lawyer replies, very matter-of-factly, "A thousand dollars."

"A thousand dollars!" exclaims the man.  "That's very expensive, isn't it?"

"It is," says the lawyer.  "Now, what's your third question?"

Lawyer Joke!

So here we are at the end of another long week (well, technically it was short, but it still felt long for some reason) and I would like to leave you with another nasty lawyer joke...

What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? 

One's a slimy, scum-sucking, bottom-dwelling scavenger.  The other is just a fish.

Lawyer Joke!

A man dies and goes directly to Hell.  While he is milling around, he spots another man who he recognizes as a lawyer, and the lawyer is snuggling up to a beautiful woman.

"That's totally unfair!" he protests to the Devil.  "I have to burin in Hell for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman!"

"Silence!" barks the Devil, jabbing with his pitchform.  "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?!"

Lawyer Joke

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearky gates.  To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. 

To the lawyer's surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was and greeted him warmly.  Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, "I certainly don't mind all of this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"